Pastor took a week off to be with me and the baby. We did a lot of fun things together the entire week. When he went back to work, I closed the door after him and cried like a baby. I keep falling in love with my husband all over again. Sometimes I think back to before we were married and I'm amazed at how much I can love a person, much more than I thought possible back then.
I'm grateful to Heavenly Father for loving me and showing me how to love. Now I'm happy to clean the house for Pastor (on most days). I'm happy to do the laundry and make him dinner and other such things. It's really humbling to recognize that in learning to love, I've learned how the pure love of Christ really works.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Pain of Divorce
My parents were divorced when I was seven. I might have mentioned this fact before, it's a major part of my life that still effects me daily in one way or another. I never wish for things to be undone or put back to the way they were when I was six, but there are things that could have been handled better. We are all human and we all make mistakes so I try not to judge.
I was praying tonight and realized that I've never talked to Heavenly Father about the pain I feel about the separation. I've never shared that with Him in any prayer that I can remember. The same moment I realized that, it hit me that the Savior has been there, shouldering my pain with me even when I didn't ask Him to. He's been there for me always, no matter what. Every day there is something else that makes me become aware of this fact all over again. The hurt has always been there ever since I remember the divorce happening and so has He. Now He is here for me when I feel so alone. His love can make any hurt whole, even when the person holding the hurt doesn't know He's there doing exactly that.
I was praying tonight and realized that I've never talked to Heavenly Father about the pain I feel about the separation. I've never shared that with Him in any prayer that I can remember. The same moment I realized that, it hit me that the Savior has been there, shouldering my pain with me even when I didn't ask Him to. He's been there for me always, no matter what. Every day there is something else that makes me become aware of this fact all over again. The hurt has always been there ever since I remember the divorce happening and so has He. Now He is here for me when I feel so alone. His love can make any hurt whole, even when the person holding the hurt doesn't know He's there doing exactly that.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Throw Down Your Weapons of War
In the scriptures there are many references to the Nephites having mercy on the Lamanites who throw down their weapons of war. I've read and re-read this message, never thinking of any way to apply it to myself. Today, when I was reading about Teancum and Moroni and the armies of Lehi taking back the city of Mulek, it occurred to me that I too need to throw down my weapons. Not my weapons of physical war, I don't even own any weapons, but the weapons of war that I cause in our household. I am often critical and quick to pass judgement on my husband. My nagging and sharp tongue can't be bringing us closer together. I know that if I have something to say, I need to cast aside my turmoil causing words and find a more gentle way to handle the situation.
It is better to speak softly, like that story of the wind and the sun, which I found on the Internet. It so befitting to what I'm trying to say.
The Sun and the Wind
An Aesop's Fable
As Retold by Ms.Holly
Once long ago the Sun and the Wind made a bet. It happened on one summers day long long ago...and this is how it came about....
The Wind said boastfully "I am far stronger than you are."
The Sun just looked at the wind and said nothing.
So the Wind went on to say, "I am so much stronger than you are that look down at that traveler on the road. I bet I can make him take off his cloak before you can."
The Sun just kept looking and said nothing still.
So the Wind then said, "So I will go first as I know you will never be able to do that." So the Wind proceeded to blow and blow and blow. But all the traveler did was clutch his cloak tighter to himself. Finally the Wind was so tired he gave up, saying, "Well if I could not do it then surely you cannot...So there is not really any sense in you trying to remove his cloak."
The entire time this had been going on the Sun had decided to hide behind a cloud. So the sun then came out and began to beam. Very slowly it began to get warmer so much so that the traveler when he came to a stream took off his cloak and all his clothes to go swimming.
Moral: Gentle persuasion is often more effective than brute force.
It is better to speak softly, like that story of the wind and the sun, which I found on the Internet. It so befitting to what I'm trying to say.
The Sun and the Wind
An Aesop's Fable
As Retold by Ms.Holly
Once long ago the Sun and the Wind made a bet. It happened on one summers day long long ago...and this is how it came about....
The Wind said boastfully "I am far stronger than you are."
The Sun just looked at the wind and said nothing.
So the Wind went on to say, "I am so much stronger than you are that look down at that traveler on the road. I bet I can make him take off his cloak before you can."
The Sun just kept looking and said nothing still.
So the Wind then said, "So I will go first as I know you will never be able to do that." So the Wind proceeded to blow and blow and blow. But all the traveler did was clutch his cloak tighter to himself. Finally the Wind was so tired he gave up, saying, "Well if I could not do it then surely you cannot...So there is not really any sense in you trying to remove his cloak."
The entire time this had been going on the Sun had decided to hide behind a cloud. So the sun then came out and began to beam. Very slowly it began to get warmer so much so that the traveler when he came to a stream took off his cloak and all his clothes to go swimming.
Moral: Gentle persuasion is often more effective than brute force.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Nothing in Comparison
I've lived my life watching artificial beauty in the media. I've also lived my life comparing myself to these beauties. I feel I must be perfect. Every day is a struggle to look myself in the mirror and not feel disgusted. Every moment is a momoent spent tryint not to feel like I'm good enough to look others in the eye without them being disgusted with me. I live with the horrible thought that my husband will one day wake up and realize what he really married.
I know all of this wrong, but it was my life.
I've often wondered how I can overcome this if it's such a part of me. How can something that is in my mind every second of every day be overcome? Small steps were taken. I told myself things like I couldn't look like I wanted so I had to deal with what I have or that there are the select few out there who find my certain body type attractive and that's all that matters. I've spent so many years trying to be like the women I've saw on TV or in magazines that I was making up excuses for the way I thought.
A little while ago, after years of wondering why and feeling sorry for myself, a starteling realization hit me. I'd been treating the artificial beauties I knew like idols. It was my goal to be like them and I thought of little else. Then one day the questions didn't matter any more. The feeling of not being good enough didn't matter as much. I finally realized that there was only one person I should be trying to be like and that is Christ. In my minds eye, I could imagine Him saddened by my choice to be like such superficial beings, wasting time on trivial things. He has shown the one and only way to live, to get back home to Heavenly Father and I'm twiddeling away my time trying to be like something that wasn't even real.
It is important for us to remember who we are and where we came from. I hope that no one loses themselves like I did because of artificial good looks and sex appeal. I know that there is but one way to be, and that is to be like Christ and strive to follow His perfect example day by day. I wasted so much time worrying over something that wasn't important. I can't help but wonder what I would be like today if all that time was spent trying to be like my Savior.
I know all of this wrong, but it was my life.
I've often wondered how I can overcome this if it's such a part of me. How can something that is in my mind every second of every day be overcome? Small steps were taken. I told myself things like I couldn't look like I wanted so I had to deal with what I have or that there are the select few out there who find my certain body type attractive and that's all that matters. I've spent so many years trying to be like the women I've saw on TV or in magazines that I was making up excuses for the way I thought.
A little while ago, after years of wondering why and feeling sorry for myself, a starteling realization hit me. I'd been treating the artificial beauties I knew like idols. It was my goal to be like them and I thought of little else. Then one day the questions didn't matter any more. The feeling of not being good enough didn't matter as much. I finally realized that there was only one person I should be trying to be like and that is Christ. In my minds eye, I could imagine Him saddened by my choice to be like such superficial beings, wasting time on trivial things. He has shown the one and only way to live, to get back home to Heavenly Father and I'm twiddeling away my time trying to be like something that wasn't even real.
It is important for us to remember who we are and where we came from. I hope that no one loses themselves like I did because of artificial good looks and sex appeal. I know that there is but one way to be, and that is to be like Christ and strive to follow His perfect example day by day. I wasted so much time worrying over something that wasn't important. I can't help but wonder what I would be like today if all that time was spent trying to be like my Savior.
Close my Eyes and Bow my Head
It may be very immature of me to just barely realize this, but I think I know why it's very important to close your eyes when your praying. There are the obvious reasons like reverence and focusing the words, but I think there could be another reason entirely. When a person prays, they are having a direct conversation with Heavenly Father. Someone can talk to God as if it were face to face, even though it's not. If you try hard enough, you can feel His presence there while you're praying. In that moment, you are talking to Supreme Being. We as mortals cannot look upon God with our mortal eyes. So when I utter prayer to my Heavenly Father, I close my eyes and feel Him all around me and I know to keep them closed if I want to feel His presence. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else. It makes so much more sense in my mind, but hopefully you know what I mean.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Giving All
How do you give all to the Lord? You replace your bad habits with His love and His Spirit. How do you do that? Primary answers my friends. Primary answers. :o)
2 Nephi, Chapter 26
Verse five says that the wicked who are mean and kill the prophets and the righteous people will be killed. The first person I thought of was Joseph Smith and I thought "Good, they deserve it." Much to my surprise, in verse seven, Nephi's soul is anguished for these people. He is sad that such things must come to pass. I think I need to work on my pride and have more love like Nephi.
Verse eight impacted me tremendously. "But behold, the righteous that hearken unto the words of the prophets, and destroy them not, but look forward unto Christ with steadfastness for the signs which are given, notwithstanding all persecution--behold, they are they which shall not perish."
The first thing that ran through my mind was when the verse talks about looking for the signs. How can you look for something that you don't know? I thought of my son and how ill prepared he would be if I didn't teach him right. It is so important to teach the children about right and wrong. If you don't, it can cause so much more harm than just physical damage, which is bad enough.
Verse ten: " . . . And they sell themselves for naught . . ." I thought of how everyone sells themselves by watching bad things on TV, by listening to horrible things on the radio, by reading and viewing such awful things in any shape or form. How little we sell ourselves for.
Verses 25, 26, 27 and 28 really apply to me I think. I have a complex where I think I'm not good enough for anything. I love how these verses spoke to me, saying that the Lord has never said that I'm not good enough, nor has He ever turned me away. That made me feel specail and loved while boosting my testimony of the tender mercies of Heavenly Father.
Verse eight impacted me tremendously. "But behold, the righteous that hearken unto the words of the prophets, and destroy them not, but look forward unto Christ with steadfastness for the signs which are given, notwithstanding all persecution--behold, they are they which shall not perish."
The first thing that ran through my mind was when the verse talks about looking for the signs. How can you look for something that you don't know? I thought of my son and how ill prepared he would be if I didn't teach him right. It is so important to teach the children about right and wrong. If you don't, it can cause so much more harm than just physical damage, which is bad enough.
Verse ten: " . . . And they sell themselves for naught . . ." I thought of how everyone sells themselves by watching bad things on TV, by listening to horrible things on the radio, by reading and viewing such awful things in any shape or form. How little we sell ourselves for.
Verses 25, 26, 27 and 28 really apply to me I think. I have a complex where I think I'm not good enough for anything. I love how these verses spoke to me, saying that the Lord has never said that I'm not good enough, nor has He ever turned me away. That made me feel specail and loved while boosting my testimony of the tender mercies of Heavenly Father.
Friday, January 2, 2009
One For Another
How do you change your habits? I've been able to switch focus. Replace one desire for another. Eating to compinsate for the loss of a habit. When I stop eating, the old habit flares up. How do you give everything to Heavenly Father when you obsesse over it?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Fixer Upper
I realized that I have a belief that even Heavenly Father can't fix me. I never knew that belief was there until a few minutes ago. I know differently, it's just a fear that I have, that I'm so damaged that no one will be able to mend me. Now that I've realized it, I know that Heavenly Father can fix anything. I've known this all along, I just didn't realize that annoying doubt was there. He's created me with His ultimate power and there is not limit to what He can do. I needed to clear that in my mind and be able to remember later. He loves me and will help me to be happy.
Monday, December 1, 2008
2 Nephi Chapter 6
Verse three: "For I am desirous for the welfare of your souls."
Jacob tells his people that he is worried for their souls. This made me think because, too often, I judge people. I think in my mind that someone is one way and that they should be doing this that and the other to better their lives. I think of all the logical reason they should be behaving better and I don't worry about the welfare of their souls. I should be worried about their souls above all else. If I try to rescue a person's soul out of love, it will make me remember that they are my Spirit sibling and they deserve to be saved just as much as I do, if not more.
Verse seven: " . . . for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me."
Verse thirteen: ". . . For the people of the Lord are they who wait for him . . ."
As I read these words, I thought to myself, "I wait." And I do. I wait for the Lord to come in His glory. He may come during my time and He may not, but I still know that He is coming and I wait. That gave me comfort to know that I will be counted as a person of the Lord, at least in that aspect. I have never doubted that He will come and I don't think I've ever realized that before I read this scripture the way I did. I know He will come and I've always known it, ever since I can remember. It's a real testimony strengthener to realize something like that.
Verse seventeen: "Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken away, and the prey of the terrible shall be delivered . . ."
This made me think of fairy tales and how wonderful they are in making a person to feel safe when they are thinking of the hero saving the day. I've often wondered if such heroes are supposed to represent Christ. The parallel seems to supports such an idea.
Verse eighteen: " . . . and all flesh shall know that I the Lord am they Savior and they Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob."
I felt smug when I thought of all the people who don't believe now finding out after the Savior returns. Sometimes I see in my mind's eye people suffering because they didn't believe in Christ and they did terrible things, like the people who killed Joseph Smith. I can see them writhing around at the realization that there is a God. Then I thought that I will be just like them. I may think that I know who the Lord is, but when it comes down to it, the day that He comes, I will be just like the others. I will know that the Lord is mightier and greater than I could ever imagine. Doesn't that make me just as lowly as anyone else? So much for smug, huh?
Jacob tells his people that he is worried for their souls. This made me think because, too often, I judge people. I think in my mind that someone is one way and that they should be doing this that and the other to better their lives. I think of all the logical reason they should be behaving better and I don't worry about the welfare of their souls. I should be worried about their souls above all else. If I try to rescue a person's soul out of love, it will make me remember that they are my Spirit sibling and they deserve to be saved just as much as I do, if not more.
Verse seven: " . . . for they shall not be ashamed that wait for me."
Verse thirteen: ". . . For the people of the Lord are they who wait for him . . ."
As I read these words, I thought to myself, "I wait." And I do. I wait for the Lord to come in His glory. He may come during my time and He may not, but I still know that He is coming and I wait. That gave me comfort to know that I will be counted as a person of the Lord, at least in that aspect. I have never doubted that He will come and I don't think I've ever realized that before I read this scripture the way I did. I know He will come and I've always known it, ever since I can remember. It's a real testimony strengthener to realize something like that.
Verse seventeen: "Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken away, and the prey of the terrible shall be delivered . . ."
This made me think of fairy tales and how wonderful they are in making a person to feel safe when they are thinking of the hero saving the day. I've often wondered if such heroes are supposed to represent Christ. The parallel seems to supports such an idea.
Verse eighteen: " . . . and all flesh shall know that I the Lord am they Savior and they Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob."
I felt smug when I thought of all the people who don't believe now finding out after the Savior returns. Sometimes I see in my mind's eye people suffering because they didn't believe in Christ and they did terrible things, like the people who killed Joseph Smith. I can see them writhing around at the realization that there is a God. Then I thought that I will be just like them. I may think that I know who the Lord is, but when it comes down to it, the day that He comes, I will be just like the others. I will know that the Lord is mightier and greater than I could ever imagine. Doesn't that make me just as lowly as anyone else? So much for smug, huh?
2 Nephi Chapter 7
Verse one: "Yea, for thus saith the Lord: Have I put thee away, or have I cast thee off forever? . . . Behold, for your iniquities have ye sold yourselves, and for your transgressions is your mothers put away."
Verse three: "I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their coverings."
These verses remind me that the Lord doesn't cast people off, they work themselves up to that point of losing the Spirit. By the time it is time for them to be cast off, they have alienated themselves already. Heavenly Father provides the heavens with a covering of clothes, He will also provide for His children.
Verse three: "I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their coverings."
These verses remind me that the Lord doesn't cast people off, they work themselves up to that point of losing the Spirit. By the time it is time for them to be cast off, they have alienated themselves already. Heavenly Father provides the heavens with a covering of clothes, He will also provide for His children.
2 Nephi Chapter 8
Part of verse seven: " . . . fear ye not the reproach of men, neither be ye afraid of their revilings."
Verse twelve: "I am he; yea, I am he that comforteth you. Behold, who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of man, who shall die, and of the son of man, who shall be made like unto grass?"
"Who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of man . . ."
These words reminded me of my fear of my family. My fear of not being accepted if I truly show what I believe. My fear of them really knowing the real me and rejecting it. Who am I to be afraid? "Fear not I am with thee, O be not a afraid. For I am thy God and shall still give thee aid." All of the strength of the universe is in the God that I believe in and I still couldn't find my courage.
Verse sixteen: "And I have put my words in thy mouth, and have covered thee in the shadow of mine hand, that I may plan the heavens and lay the foundations of the earth, and say unto Zion: Behold, thou art my people."
For every person who ever feels afraid of man, they need only read this verse with an open mind and they will realize that God supports those who serve Him. The key is that you must serve Him with all of your heart. If you don't give your all to God, he may not assist you. Show Him that you are ready to be filled with His courage and He will give you that strength.
Verse twelve: "I am he; yea, I am he that comforteth you. Behold, who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of man, who shall die, and of the son of man, who shall be made like unto grass?"
"Who art thou, that thou shouldest be afraid of man . . ."
These words reminded me of my fear of my family. My fear of not being accepted if I truly show what I believe. My fear of them really knowing the real me and rejecting it. Who am I to be afraid? "Fear not I am with thee, O be not a afraid. For I am thy God and shall still give thee aid." All of the strength of the universe is in the God that I believe in and I still couldn't find my courage.
Verse sixteen: "And I have put my words in thy mouth, and have covered thee in the shadow of mine hand, that I may plan the heavens and lay the foundations of the earth, and say unto Zion: Behold, thou art my people."
For every person who ever feels afraid of man, they need only read this verse with an open mind and they will realize that God supports those who serve Him. The key is that you must serve Him with all of your heart. If you don't give your all to God, he may not assist you. Show Him that you are ready to be filled with His courage and He will give you that strength.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
1 Nephi 18
Fear God exceedingly. FEAR GOD. I couldn't help but realize that I don't fear God nearly as much as I fear my family as I read this chapter. Nephi stood up to his family, to his older brother. He wasn't afraid to tell them that what they were doing was wrong. He was tied up and left helpless. I know that I am scared of not pleasing my family and we have missed church sometimes because I was too scared to tell my mom no. Obviously I had things mixed up. I know I need to do better and I will.
*
Something else that I noticed in this chapter is that Nephi rode the tempest. His brothers were living in sin and disobeying God, but he had to ride the tempest with them. They were his family and he rode the storm with them. That really meant a lot to me because I find myself complaining about my situation a lot. I don't really complain out loud, but still. Nephi waited out a literal and spiritual storm even though he had done nothing wrong. I know I do wrong every now and then so if Nephi was forced to ride the waves, then so will I.
*
Something else that I noticed in this chapter is that Nephi rode the tempest. His brothers were living in sin and disobeying God, but he had to ride the tempest with them. They were his family and he rode the storm with them. That really meant a lot to me because I find myself complaining about my situation a lot. I don't really complain out loud, but still. Nephi waited out a literal and spiritual storm even though he had done nothing wrong. I know I do wrong every now and then so if Nephi was forced to ride the waves, then so will I.
1 Nephi 16
Lehi finds the Liahona. I know it's often pointed out, but I can't help but realize how much the scriptures are the modern day Liahonas. There was a good chunk of time where I would read the scriptures and not get anything out of them. I would try and try, but I couldn't feel the words like I once did. Then one day my heart opened and I could feel them again. I could feel the Spirit in me as I read and I knew that I wasn't able to understand before because my heart was closed. As long as I listen to God and remember to keep Him in my life, the pointers are pointing me on and teaching me what I need to l earn from the scriptures.
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